Eggs.

“Ko mwana!” I suddenly shout.

Sekai sitting on the bonde with her book, suddenly jolts, as if stung by one of the ants stalking the cracks on the floor.

“You forgot to say innit” she rolls her eyes at me as I let out a cackle at the look of fright on her face.

“Bva pa” I say as I swat her arm and we both start our uniform cackle.

Even the bva apa felt uncertain of itself as it trickled from my mouth. We’ve been sitting on the bonde wondering if one of us would tell each other the truth. We were going to miss each other terribly and we did not have the bravery to start that conversation now. I leave in the morning, Bab’mnini Tonde had sent me a text saying he would pick me up at 4am to make the drive to the airport. My flight was at 12pm and the drive would take two hours but I could not argue with the mathematics. It’s just how it was done. Sekai, knowing that we were sharing a thought, quickly looks at me and asks if I would go and say bye to Rodney. A lump forms in my throat and I quickly swallow it away.

“ No no…I don’t think it’s wise, it’s like fuelling a car that has no wheels. Just wasting time innit”

Sekai of course laughs because she loves it when I say “innit”. We both laugh, then we hear Rodney outside talking to my Gogo like they are old friends. Rodney, it seems thought our car might just be worth fuelling. A knot forms in my belly and the lump returns. Sekai squeezes my arm and I know we are sharing a thought again. Rodney keeps talking to my Gogo in his causal voice that never seems to rush. Like he’s here to see her and have conversations about the most mundane of things. Like if I were to appear in the doorway he would suddenly realise that I am here too and begin to talk to me too. This is how he is, easy with everyone. But I know he’s here for me. Gogo keeps on talking and I have the mind to go and interrupt but I soak up their conversation a bit more.

“You know kuti she’s going back tomorrow hanti”

“Eye Gogo, but I’m leaving too in a few months”

“It’s not like you’re going to the same country”

“I’m going to Canada but we will both be able to travel.”

“Mwanangu, I love my granddaughter but I would hate to see a promising young man like you miss out on a great opportunity. Make sure you remember why you’re in Canada.”

It stings a little, to hear Gogo inadvertently tell Rodney to forget about me. It stings a little. And I want to cry but I know she means no malice. Why shouldn’t Rodney have the same chances that England had given to me? If my mother had not migrated to the UK and then sent for my father and my siblings, who knows what Zimbabwe would have made of us. I walk out from the little hut and I see Rodney standing tall and smiling down at Gogo. My heart already aches. This is what thirteen weeks in the village had given me. A weak and wanting heart. Rodney looks at me in the way that he takes in everyone, like only they matter but in my heart I know, it is different with me. I want it to be different because I feel different when it is me that has his attention. It had made me angry at first, the way I needed him to look at me but now I knew I was wanting, in a way that wants more time and want more space. I wanted to exist only in places where he could see me. I am not one who reads minds, except Sekais’, But I imagine this is how he feels too. I think Gogo has stopped talking and walked away because Rodney takes my hand and we go to the spot that has heard all our conversations.

“I will miss you.” It’s the way he says it. In his direct unhiding way. I would have preferred we pretend but he goes right in and breaks any pretence Sekai and I have been building around my departure.

“When you get to Canada, we will plan for me to come and visit.”

“I may not be able to afford to come see you straight away. But I will get a job.”

I know he will. I trust Rodney to keep his word. We are sitting with our backs on the wall and facing the endless green fields of maize. We had sat here for most of my holiday and spoke about all the things. I told him about how my father had gone missing and we saw his wedding pictures on facebook. That my mother was now married to a nice man and he was nice to her but I could never love him because it felt like I was betraying the father who betrayed us first. I told him about Sekai being born HIV positive. He told me about how his father had given it to his mother because he stayed at the growth point way after other married men had left. He told me about his fear to leave his mother behind because sometimes she could not get her hands on antiretrovirals and she had bouts of sickness. He felt guilty but his mum would not let him trade his future for her. He was the only child that had survived ‘the fire’. ‘The fire’ was how the villagers spoke about the events that happened in the cursed grounds of Rodneys compound. The fire had been started by Rodney’s father. It claimed him and his two children. When Rodney and his mother returned from what had supposed to be a quick trip to the growth point, its like Rodney blinked and when he opened his eyes he’s mother was rolling on the ground and the neighbours were taking turns to hold him and to shush her wails. He spoke to me about how he wanted to do better and why he was going to be a doctor. I was studying to be a nurse and we spoke about how we would one day be married and come back to Zimbabwe to open a clinic and help patients with HIV. We spoke about saving ourselves until marriage. We spoke and we held hands. I knew this would always be the story of my first love.

Sekai came to tell me that Gogo was calling me for supper and I knew supper was not ready but this was Gogo’s way of telling Rodney to leave her compound because it was too late for him to be visiting her granddaughter. We hugged and he asked if he could kiss me. I said yes without hesitation and all I remember is the world became blurry and my whole body tingled. Little sparks shot up from within and and settled on my skin and all I could feel was my Rodney’s lips, I’m not sure how long it lasted but when it was over Rodney turned away and walked to the gate. I knew that it’s not because it was bad but because he knew I would not go in without seeing him off and no one wanted to be on Gogos’ bad side. I hardly slept, I tossed and turned the whole night until I woke up Sekai who was lying on the bed next to me.

“You need to rest, you have a long journey ahead.”

Sekai was 17. A year younger than me but much wiser. It might have been to do with the fact that both her parents had died from AIDS when she was only 8 years old, young enough to sometimes forget what they looked like but old enough to know that she lost her parents. They died within months of each other. Sekai would sometimes go into a monologue about her parents and I would listen to her until she stopped. I would wait and then say “Ko mwana” and we would both break out into laughter. Ko mwana means “what about the child”, it stemmed from a shared memory of when we were younger and Gogo had asked one of our older boy cousins to slaughter a chicken for supper. It was then that I, fresh from England had stood in front of the chicken coup with my arms outstretched and shouted “Ko mwana” meaning the eggs that the chickens had laid just that morning, the eggs we had also had for breakfast. My father had picked me up and held on to me whilst I kicked and screamed and shouted over and over again “Ko mwana”. That night I did not eat but declared I was on a hunger strike. The next morning I had eggs for breakfast and Gogo looked at me and said “Ko mwana”. I, with my heart breaking all over again had cried all over again and the same cycle continued for another two days. It was ok to eat the egg but abonimable to eat the one who laid it. So now when we want to laugh at something silly or break any long stretches of silence we would suddenly say “Ko mwana” and break into fits of laughter. It was now a secret language. When we wanted to get out of yard duties in the morning we would silently say “Ko mwana” to each other and one of us would pipe up about a chore outside of the yard that needed doing urgently and Gogo always tutted but indulged us and let us slip away.

On one of those mornings when we managed to get out of going to the farm, Sekai led me to an area towards the Gumbo mountains. The mountains were literally called ‘foot mountains’ because they looked like three feet pointing to the sky. Like maybe a body was buried upside down and the body had three legs and time had started exposing the legs. There was a spot just below the middle foot, were the stream seemed to slow and the rocks were perfect for sitting. Sekai and I hid away and spoke for what seemed like hours. Rodney who was on his way to the growth point spotted Sekai and came close to say hello. Before he could get a word out he spotted me, with both feet immersed in the water and a stick in my hand which I kept skimming over the water as if to make a hole. It’s as if I felt him stare when I looked up. I momentarily loosened my grip on the stick and it began to float away. Rodney jumped into action as if he was about to rescue Moses’ stick. I took it from his outstretched hand as though it was in this moment that I would strike the water and it would part. Then we would both be standing on dry ground or the head of Gumbo mountains’ body. He smiled like he believed I could. From then it was Rodney, Sekai and I or Rodney and I or Rodney and I with Sekai around the corner somewhere.

“I can’t sleep” I say.

I was leaving my two best friends behind. Rodney was off to Canada but Sekai was staying. Staying in Zimbabwe and she too hoped she would get a scholarship to move abroad for University. We were disbanding and my heart ached. It felt like I was the stick that was floating away between the Gumbo mountains.

“Did I ever tell you about how my mother found out she had HIV?”

She hadn’t. Sekai detailed how her mother had started feeling sick whilst pregnant with her, even though she was not one to fall sick very often. Whilst being tested for other pregnancy related complications, she found out. It broke her. Sekais’ father denied it until her mother threatened to leave. It worked. He said of course he’d only cheated once but once had been cruel enough to steal both their lives when she was 8. I fell asleep whilst Sekai was talking, heavy.

In the crack of dawn ba’mnini Tonde appeared in his white 1972 Corolla. Sekai and I, no pretence in sight were openly crying and embracing and begging ba’mnini to let her come but it had not worked. He did not want to have to drive her back to the village. I could have sworn I saw Rodney when the car was further down the road from Gogos but my eyes were heavy with tears.

Two months passed and Rodney was now in Alberta Canada, working toward his medical degree. We FaceTimed often and I began saving up for my ticket. Sekai and I lived on WhatsApp, always connected by random “Ko mwana” texts at random points of the day. When the Christmas holidays were drawing near, I told Rodney that between my part time job at the student centre and my student grant that I saved frugally, I would be able to come spend Christmas with him as he could not afford to fly to Zimbabwe or to England. We began the countdown. Sekai was briefed and squeals were shared.

“My mother has been rushed to the hospital, no one had seen her in a few days so they broke down the door and found her laying in bed.” Rodney rushes the words out as soon as I pick up. My body stills and I watch as this boy on the other end of my screen slowly lets go of the tears he's been holding since he received the word from home.

“You have to go to her.” I say, without even thinking, I add “I will send you the money I saved .”

I sent him all the savings for Canada and he put it towards his ticket to fly home. My heart ached with both sympathy and selfishness. I had longed to see him again with everything in me.

When Rodney landed in Zimbabwe his mother had passed away but he did not know. He travelled to the village and it was only the full yard that told him first that what he feared had happened. Sekai called me and my heart broke for him. Because all my money had gone to his ticket and to fund any other medical expenses he might incur in Zimbabwe, I could not afford to be with him. Sekai became my proxy. She would tell me everything. Rodney would only respond at night. Even then he’s heaviness would wrap itself over every interaction and I had no choice but to hear from Sekai how he was truly doing. At the funeral it was Sekai who stood next to him and held his hand. When the people left, it was Sekai I asked to make sure she did not leave until Gogo needed her for “suppper”.

“I’m not going back to Canada”. This was the last thing that Rodney said to me before he varnished. Sekai assured me all was well and he needed time. I counted down till I could go and be with him, till I could go and help him shake the sadness from his voice.

When the door opened, it was the belly that came out first, followed by Sekais’ face. In shock and joy I threw my hands around her and embraced her intending to scold her for not telling me we were pregnant, but before I could speak I noticed her arms were not embracing me back and it was in the way that me and Sekai were connected that I immediately knew that the belly was a baby and the baby was Rodney’s. I took at step back and she attempted to look at the ground but I assume all she could see was her belly. I felt a stare and when I turned to look at the gate it was Rodney at the gate who had clearly emerged from his coup with eggs on a plate. He looked at me and I felt the apology on my skin. I could not move and all I heard was Sekais whispers of “sorry” .

I took another step back and as if by the grace of God or teleportation I found myself in my Gogos kitchen on the floor, weeping. I wept and my grandmother held me like she had held me when the chicken had been slaughtered for supper. I did not eat and my grandmother did not make me. She held me until I asked her why she did not tell me.

“How do I tell you that your cousin had betrayed you?”

Gogo held me until I began to eat again. Sekai and Rodney had been turned away several times until I finally said it’s ok. They told me how in a bid to comfort Rodney, Sekai had begun to sleep over and one night things had escalated. I laughed when Rodney used the word “escalated” as though their bodies had moved without autonomy. Like they were streams between the Gumbo mountains and they had no choice but to flow in the direction the feet of the mountains should have been. I cried because they did not tell me. I cried because they had both changed our relationship and did not warn me. Rodney said he could not let Sekai be shamed and he needed to look after her in a way that no one had looked after his mother. They left when I did not say anything.

In the morning Ba’mnini Tonde came for me and I embraced Gogo goodbye and went home early.

When the baby was born. Sekai sent me a picture and texted “Ko mwana”. I cried myself to sleep and never responded. Rodney took care of Sekai in the way he had hoped to take care of his mother. He attended to her to ensure the virus was kept at bay. Their baby was negative. Gogo shared the news with me, because she did not want me to blame her for not telling me. When he wrote to the university and let them know what happened he was offered re-entry and began his journey back to Canada to make a home for his family.

I never returned home and when Gogo died I watched them bury her through a shaky zoom call. My heart ached but the tears did not come until much later, when I was standing in Sainsburys wondering if I should buy the free range eggs or the cheaper ones from caged hens. I wept for all that I had lost and for the eggs I could not choose. I wept because Gogo deserved my proper goodbye.

Glossary :

Ko Mwana – what about the child

Bonde – Mat

Bva Pa – go away

Gogo – Grandmother

Mwanangu – my child

Ba’mnini – Uncle