I’m really good at packing up and leaving. At not staying places and making permanent homes in people. I’m good at not staying. Not allowing my roots to spread and dig deeper. Leaving is my favourite thing. The decision to leave is one I make without hesitation.
My family ask me often where I will be packing off to next. The funny thing is that when I say I’m good at packing, I mean it as a symbol more than the actual act. I’m a horrible packer.
I try and squeeze everything I own into the suitcase. I’m one of those people who sit on it. Jump on it. Lay on it. Lean this way. Lean that way. Until it lets me abuse it. It’s capacity was never meant to take the over packing.
In recent years I have tried to aspire to minimalism and pack light. Throw away or give away clothes that I know I haven’t worn in a year. I throw away and give away but I keep accumulating.
Why do I find it hard to be free of the things I don’t need?
I have a hard time letting go of tangible and intangible baggage that I don’t need. So for the past few months I have been lugging around my suitcase full of anxieties and worries. Worries about future plans. Anxieties about destinations that were just starting to seem unrealistic. And uncertainties of whether to trust that the decisions I have made were leading me somewhere.
Today my luggage and I got tired in the middle of a short trip and I decided to sit in Costa and catch up with myself. Amidst all of this hauling around of luggage and constant worry about making sure I don’t drop a piece of luggage and watch in horror as it spills out all of my under garments to the world, I had forgotten to check my ticket.
So I sat down with my Christmas drink and I felt tears just threatening to ruin my makeup. I look buff right now. I looked at my ticket (for those who are less dramatic and less inclined to my use of metaphors, I’m sorry) BASICALLY, I just had to check in with God. For months now I have been focused on keeping it all in. Staying in control so I can board the plane but how can I get on a plane when I have too much luggage and I don’t even know what gate I should be heading to? So I sit in Costa now and I decide to leave this buggage with Him. I was not meant to carry it.
Sometimes flights are delayed. Sometimes the waiting room is all you see for months. But if I have my ticket. It doesn’t matter when or how the flight sets off. I will be on it. My luggage will be checked in. It will be the correct weight. I will be still.
My verse for the moment when I am in the waiting room of life and I need to remember that God has not forgotten me and He is not sleeping;
3 He will not let you stumble; the one who watches over you will not slumber. 4 Indeed, he who watches over Israel never slumbers or sleeps. 5 The Lord himself watches over you! (NLT)
God is not sleeping.